Recently, a woman came into my job. As I opened my mouth to speak to her, she said to me, "Wow, you are such a force! Like, you have an incredible presence. I was not expecting to be greeted with a spirit and presence like yours when I walked in here today." I was stunned as I murmured a thank you, and we moved quickly into a meeting. But her words have stayed with me, months later. 

You see, when she said that to me, I was feeling particularly broken. I've blogged openly about my life in the last few years here in Chicago, so you know part of my story. Sometimes, when I'm in a particularly low place mentally and spiritually, I'm just trying to make it from point A to point B, until I can get back home and hole up in my room, away from the world. This was one of those days. I was just trying to make it. Then, in walks this beautiful, vibrant woman who took one look at me and saw a kindred spirit. She saw something in me that I couldn't see for myself at the time:

My brokenness couldn't hide my strength.

"Wherever you are, be all there." - Jim Elliot

When I began my blogging break back in July of this year, it wasn't intentional. I didn't say to myself, "You know what, life is happening and I need some time away." The break happened naturally. I didn't necessarily need time away; I could have been blogging. But I chose not to. In fact, there were several times that I would start a blog post, only to drop it because the timing didn't feel right. On one hand this is because I experienced some life transitions (which I'll talk about below). On the other hand, I also had some thinking to do about what I want this blog to be (which I'll also talk about below). It is a platform that I don't take lightly, so I care about what I say, how I say it, and more importantly why I say it.  

What I did instead of blogging was give myself permission to be present in what was happening in my life at that moment. And what I learned along the way is that: 

Allowing yourself the chance to be fully present, even if it means stepping away from other things, is the best way to be unapologetically you. 

I had some incredible experiences over the last few months - from meditation retreats in the forest to fancy birthday dinners, I have been living! I have also been learning. And taking the time to not blog, to not try and instagram every beautiful moment, has allowed the moment to just be beautiful. And I needed that time. While I may not have been blogging these last few months, I never stopped writing. I never stopped gathering inspiration and wisdom, which I hope to share as I start posting again. Most importantly, during my break, I'm happy to say that I've been living my motto every. single. day. -"Becoming Myself, Unapologetically."

Life Transition

So, like I said, I've seen some changes in the last few months (all good things!). 

First, I got a new job back in April, and my work schedule changed in May, then again in August. My hours were doubled (yay for more money and more experience! nay for being too tired for anything else) then they went back to normal. This coincided with my academic pursuits to better understand leadership, human behavior, and transformational change. I am advancing my career, professionally and academically. I look forward to sharing more of what I learn here on this platform! Step by step, I keep getting closer and closer to becoming Dr. Pam - heyo!

Second, I moved! And I legit love my new home so much.

Third, I got siiiiick. Like, sick sick...like, in the hospital kinda sick. So, that took me out the game for most of September. I'm happy to report that I'm much better now, and I learned a lot through illness. Maybe I'll do a post on that, as well.

PSA - lots of things remain the same in life, though: I'm still head over heels in love with my incredible partner (hey baby, I know you're reading. Thank you for always supporting my dreams!), I still love football & basketball, I've still been watching all the movies (SO excited for Moana and Fantastic Beasts & Where to Find Them!!!!), I've read soooo many books, my family & friends are amazing. Some things don't change, and that's awesome ♥

Blog Transition

During my break, I also thought a lot about my blog. I think this is partially because my computer gave up the ghost and I lost a lot of potential content. But I'm happy this happened, as it helped me to really think about the future of Unapologetically Pam. I've talked before about how I refuse to align myself to any particular genre. However, I do want to align myself with purpose. The thing about being unapologetically you is that being all of yourself encompasses many categories - to me, I cannot be defined by one genre because the core of who I am, my true identity is composed of many different pieces. And I want to represent as many of those pieces as I can here on Unapologetically Pam. But one thing must remain true with each piece - becoming myself, unapologetically. And while becoming myself, I want to always ask with each post, "How does this help someone else?" 

I want there to be purpose behind each of my posts.

Essentially, from here on out, each and every post - whether on life tips, relationships, fashion, food, travel, whatever it may be - has to answer two questions for me: 1) In what way is this unapologetically me? And 2) How does this help another woman become unapologetically her?

This unfortunately means that there won't always be a new post - as I'm out here living my purpose and fighting for my own convictions and beliefs, sometimes there won't be time to write. But when I do write, please know that there will be substance behind it. And most importantly, there will be truth.

Happy to be back, loves! Looking forward to sharing more of the journey ☺

Do you hear, God?
The blood of my people cry out to you
as you did Abel?

Do you hear, God?
Centuries of black blood flowing in the streets...

Do you expect silent compliance,
a blind faith,
a stand still and wait for vengeance?

Are you there God?
For my future black babies.
For my brother.
For my husband.
For ME?

Are you there, God?
Do you hear, God?

10:13 A.M.

God, are you listening? 

Do you hear us? 

Me? My brothers? My sisters? 

Does your heart break with mine? 

Will you rise in action with us? 

Oh, God, do you hear?

3:13 P.M.
I am hurting.
I am tired.
How much more fight must we give?
How much more blood must we shed?

I fall into silent waiting.
The only sound is my heart beating, beating, beating.
But for how long?

How much longer does my heart, in all its blackness, have to beat?

Oh, God, do you hear that too?

Everything is perfect.

I have a friend like this. Let's call the friend Tyler. From the look of Tyler's instagram, his life is everything he's ever imagined and more. He is shirtless on the beach, his beautiful lover standing smiling beside him in a bikini. He is on a rooftop deck, enjoying drinks with friends; he and his boys are all laughing as they raise their drinks high. In another picture, he's seen speaking in front of a group of young people. He looks dynamic in his speech, joyful at sharing his knowledge with them.

Everything is perfect.

But, I know Tyler. I work with Tyler. I saw him every single day for many years. I've seen him frustrated, angry at his position in life. Upset about the company he works for, as he watches others being elevated over him while he is told that he isn't doing enough. Yet he's there everyday, even when the others aren't. Yes, he comes in earlier than everyone else, brewing the coffee, setting the atmosphere for his colleagues. He is in every meeting, attentatively taking notes, constantly thinking of ways he can be better. He stays after to ask questions. He yearns to know more, yearns to become a better man. He is the first to come in and the last to leave when the job is done. Yet, he feels weak.


I've watched him battle depression. I've seen him battle his demons, sometimes taking them out on his own body. I've seen him volunteer for every new project enthusiastically. I've seen him angry at his co-workers who make comments like, "I'm not helping with that! That's your job!" as they sip their coffee while he works to complete task after task. I've seen him silently tolerate their jests, all in the hope that his boss would recognize his character, would see in him a man who is willing to give everything, all of himself to a job that he loves. And in return, the very co-worker who refused to help him receives the promotion, while Tyler fades further into the background.

Everything is not perfect.

But you would never know that, would you? Because the life Tyler projects on the outside is the only one that you're privy to see. Are you still envious?

Everything is not perfect.

I know this because Tyler knows this. I know this because I have been in Tyler's shoes.

At one point in my life, I would post pictures that looked like I was having a blast in my various endeavors. My marriage? Perfect. My calling? Perfect. My job? Perfect.

Everything was perfect.

Everything was not perfect...

I was unhappy. You would never know by looking at my statuses and photos. And this is understandable, some things are personal and should be kept private. However, there is a difference between privacy and a lie. I was living an instagram lie. I would use all the hashtags and caption that I was "living the best life" when in reality, I was going home crying. I was frustrated. I was angry. I was confused. I was hurt.

What's worse is that I felt like I needed to post those kinds of photos and statuses. I needed to convince everyone that my life was beautiful. I needed to convince everyone that I was fine from my divorce. I needed to convince everyone that my new relationship was legitimate. I needed to convince everyone that my calling was perfect, my job was perfect, my life was perfect. I needed to post the photos of me and my friends. I needed to post the photos of me speaking in front of a crowd. I needed to do it, if for no other reason, to convince myself that I was indeed happy. 

Everything was not perfect.

And then finally, revelation came. 

Creating a dope instagram life is not the same thing as living a dope life in reality.

Which one are you doing?

Enough. I finally found myself saying, "Enough." No more instagram lies. Only truth. 

In the last few months, I turned inward. I searched my heart. I searched my mind. I searched my body, my soul. Piece by piece, I began to free myself from the need to convince anyone that my life was beautiful.  

I don't need to prove that life is beautiful. It simply is. I found beauty in its purest of forms. And that beauty needs no convincing.

A few people have asked why I don't post as much on instagram or facebook. The simple answer is, I don't post as much about my life on social media anymore because I am out living it.

In truth. In love. In Him.

Unapologetically,

Pam 

xoxo

Choker: Charlotte Russe

Necklace: Gift from my Honey Dip

Egyptian Ankh Earrings: Local African Boutique

Top: H&M

I know I've been M.I.A., but that's simply because I was finishing up another eight week study on Critical Leadership. It was just as phenomenal as the last. After the study was over, I needed a few weeks to decompress. I'm feeling refreshed and better than ever! Be on the lookout for lots of new things on Unapologetically Pam!

xoxo,

Pam

Happy Friday, loves! This post comes just in time for the weekend. I hope it gives you some springtime inspo :)

I wore this outfit recently to a concert here in Chi-Town. The singer, Shawnee Dez, is just incredible. You'll be hearing a lot more about her soon here on the blog, so keep your eyes peeled for that! For now, I hope you enjoy this quick little ootd.

This top from Charlotte Russe is actually a dress that I cut into a top. Never be afraid to re-design an old piece that you adore, but that perhaps doesn't fit your style all the way anymore. Changing this dress into a top has been one of my all-time favorite DIY's and this piece is now a favorite in my wardrobe.

Thanks for reading!

xoxo,

Pam

Early this year, I had the wonderful opportunity to participate in an eight week study of ethics. In our philosophical adventure, we focused on the question of what it means to live a good life. Different philosophers have answered this question differently. For some, living a good life means being a good person, having a certain character, or doing the right things for the right reasons. For others it means producing good results, caring for those closest to you, or providing for the good of people you don’t know. 

Then there is the question of what we mean by “right” and “good.” Throughout the study, I wrestled with understanding what is “good.” What does it mean to be a good person? Is it self-sacrifice? Is it more concerned with the well-being of others? Or is it an internal process? Is morality meant to be something that is on display through actions? Or do morals come from a deep interconnection to the greater good of humanity?

Of all the ethical theories we studied, deontology resonated with me the most. What follows below is an excerpt from my final thesis upon completion of our ethical study. Enjoy!

On my face:

Black Radiance True Complexion BB Cream in 'Brown Sugar'

Black Radiance True Complexion Contour Palette in 'Medium to Dark'

Covergirl Queen Collection Natural Hue Concealer in 'Golden'

xoxo,
Pam